During an October campaign stop for Al Franken, the president encountered an animated young man with a bandage on his head. Immediately concerned, the President queried the man about his injury and learned that he had recently banged it on the corner of his kitchen table after rising from floor during a drunken stupor. The scope and scale of the situation was immediately apparent to the President and he swiftly took action.
Late yesterday, the president called on Congress to draft legislation aimed at the creation of a new Furniture Safety Administration, along with a new cabinet position, Secretary of Interior Angles. Such an appointment would likely involve a lengthy senate confirmation hearing although it would ultimately depend on the appointee’s views about furniture safety, and whether they are considered to be mainstream. It is rumored that George Clooney has expressed interest in the post, should it become available.
The Republican controlled Congress is pushing back however and insists that this additional encroachment into the private lives of Americans is the last straw. Obama has referred to such sentiment as “fringe” however and recently stated that “while regular folks have been banging their knees, shins and heads by the millions, the wealthiest among us have been able to enjoy furniture with rounded corners and obtuse angles.” He continued “Some of my friends on the right have been calling for completely unregulated corners, and are trying to scare folks by saying that regulated furniture will hurt innovation and will cost a lot of good paying jobs. This just isn’t the case. If we want to remain competitive in the global market, we need new obtuse jobs. Obtuse jobs are the jobs of the future and unfortunately some of our friends on the right are just stuck in the past, clinging to quaint notions of Amish furniture making.”
President Obama has cited the Constitution’s “general welfare” clause as a legal avenue to achieve his goals without congressional approval and it appears that the President is ready to act alone. In a FOIA (Freedom of Information Act) request, it was revealed that the Federal Department of Public Safety has submitted a procurement for 100 million pairs of shin guards, 200 million helmets and over 30 million rolls of adhesive padding. Ultimately this decision may prove to have been premature as it is rumored that Halliburton is the lead bidder for the procurement. White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest denied any knowledge of the procurement but did acknowledge that only one or two companies in existence would be capable of fulfilling such an order.
The cause has attracted significant celebrity attention. Pearl Jam Front man Eddie Vedder, despite his well known feelings about Halliburton, is organizing a benefit for angle awareness called “Round Up”. His upcoming solo album includes a track titled “Head Banger”, where he expresses his feelings about angle safety in no uncertain terms.
George Clooney, who has become a vocal leader for the cause, assembled at least 20 high profile celebrities for a special dinner at the White House. Matt Damon and Sean Penn were in attendance. At a press conference before the dinner actor Sean Penn may have caused some irreparable harm to the cause with an emotional outburst that has been making headlines. First he appeared bored and visibly agitated during a prepared statement being delivered by Barbara Streisand. Penn nudged her to the side, somewhat forcibly, and among other things exclaimed:
"All these stupid gowns and magnificent wealth don’t matter to all you tiny little people out there. I spend a lot of time in Haiti and Haitians already know this because they’re not being paid off by the Koch Brothers and Halliburton. Their simple lives, simple ways and simple pleasures are an inspiration to me. They don’t even have tables. They are smart enough to eat off of large rocks and to sit on logs. I made friends with a 6 year old boy named Jean Paul last week when I was there. He said to me ‘right angle no right’. I wear this arm band for Jean Paul, for his wisdom and bravery.". Many attendees at the gala were adorned with the same garment.
In what may be an effort to attract construction and union support, President Obama has advocated for construction tax credits for qualifying edifices. Qualifying structures would be required to include 57.3% or more obtuse angles. It is unclear whether such a provision would be possible as part of an executive action and without congressional approval,
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